Trying to Help My Sister — But Losing Myself in the Process

Hi everyone, 

I’m here because I’ve been carrying the emotional weight of addiction in my family for some time, and I’ve reached a point where I can’t do it alone anymore. I need support — not just for my family’s sake, but for my own mental and emotional wellbeing.

It began with my brother-in-law, whose alcoholism became more and more erratic after the birth of my first child. He was eventually arrested for intimidation with an imitation weapon — an incident that happened the day after my wedding, with his teenage daughter present. It was traumatic for all of us, especially for his daughter, who had to give evidence the very next day — on her 13th birthday. He was released just months later, despite the seriousness of what happened.

What I didn’t fully grasp at the time was that my sister was also binge drinking as her way of coping with his secret drinking. I confronted her about it when I started noticing the signs — injuries she’d sustained while drunk, like a split eyebrow, bruises, and burns from falling onto the fireplace. At the time, I think I wanted to believe it was situational and would pass once he was out of the picture. But it hasn’t. Her daughters have told me she still drinks alot but when I talked to her about it, she would downplay it and deflect to say they have a problem with her having even one drink because of their dad and she wasn’t drinking that much.

However three weeks ago, she had a particularly disturbing incident: she got drunk, fell off the toilet, and hit her head on the radiator. Her teenage daughter found her like that, barely conscious with her trousers round her ankles. It was a moment that shook all of us especially as she was in charge of her daughters and one daughter even had a friend over. My sister promised to stop drinking then after my brother and I sat her down and delivered some harsh truths, and my brother truly thought it was a turning point. However at the time, I thought she agreed too easily and wasn’t upset enough for me to believe she wasn’t just trying to placate us.

Last week, whilst helping with her divorce and doing her expenses, I found out she’s drinking again — she even went to a bottomless brunch over the bank holiday weekend. I’ve been honest with her: I’ve told her that if she can’t quit, then it means she has a problem, I’ve told her I think she is an alcoholic. That all I want to do is support her but she has to understand she is a binge drinking alcoholic. She brushes it off, downplays it, and insists she’s fine — but the truth is, this has already destroyed her marriage and is deeply affecting her daughters, who are constantly worried about her drinking. 

I love my sister. But I also love my own daughters — one of whom is a toddler, and I’m currently 30 weeks pregnant. I don’t trust her alone with my daughter and the rare times she has had her she has let me down.  I can’t keep carrying this, managing her drinking, protecting her children, and trying to hold everything together. I’ve reached the point where I need to step back and set boundaries, even though it breaks my heart. I’m more upset over all of this than her! She’s out living her life having fun, making friends with the wrong type of people, spending more than she has coming in, not taking control of her own life. My dad and I have had to bail her out financially a few times within the last 12 months and I’ve told her no one is bailing her out anymore - it’s time to grow up and take responsibility for her own life. 

If she can’t admit this is impacting her life and everyone around her, how will she ever get better?

I’m here to protect my peace, support my nieces in the healthiest way I can, and learn how to live alongside this reality without being swallowed by it. I know I can’t force her to change — but I don’t want to lose myself waiting for her to. Please tell me I’m not just being over dramatic or anything. I feel like she’s gaslighting me. I’m really close to her normally but I feel like I’ve lost my sister and I don’t recognise this person.