Drained
Somebody supporting another with cocaine addiction
I love my partner. He loves me. There is so much love between us but there's also the drugs, the lying, the hiding, the paranoia and the arguments. He flutters between acknowledging he has a problem to yelling at me for not accepting who he is and who he's always been. His friends are all in the same vicious circle and enable each other, "just being lads" they call it but I struggle to understand and they all hate me and think I am controlling because I want him to be sober. He talks about how he wants that to, he wants to be better, he knows the man he can be, he makes promises but he never lives up to them. He then falls into a depression that he's let himself down and he's let me down but he never gets help. He's convinced he'll cut it by himself but I know that's not possible. Now, his problem has become my problem, I feel like it's draining me and making me into a person I don't want to be. I feel on edge and anxious all the time, I've isolated myself from my own family and friends because I'm trying to protect him by not letting them know how bad things have got. When he doesn't answer my calls at night I'm scared he's either on drugs or he's in trouble with the police or something terrible has happened to him. Does it ever get any better? Will it ever be worth it in the end to stay and see it through and keep convincing him to help himself?
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2 replies
Somebody supporting another with alcohol addiction
Really sorry you’re going through this, it sounds awful. “Lad” culture eh?
My circumstances were a little different to yours, but I see a lot of parallels in the types of behaviour you’re describing. To answer your “Does it ever get any better?” question — it definitely can.
I truly believe, though, that not much can change from the outside. You can support (without enabling) and encourage him, but the decision to change always has to be his. You can, however, help him along the way to that decision by setting increasingly strict boundaries on what you will and won’t tolerate.
For me this meant eventually refusing to engage with my mum in any way other than helping to keep her physically safe when she was drunk. For you it might mean something different, but it helps them (eventually) come to the right realisation, and it helps you protect some semblance of normality and control in your own life.
My circumstances were a little different to yours, but I see a lot of parallels in the types of behaviour you’re describing. To answer your “Does it ever get any better?” question — it definitely can.
I truly believe, though, that not much can change from the outside. You can support (without enabling) and encourage him, but the decision to change always has to be his. You can, however, help him along the way to that decision by setting increasingly strict boundaries on what you will and won’t tolerate.
For me this meant eventually refusing to engage with my mum in any way other than helping to keep her physically safe when she was drunk. For you it might mean something different, but it helps them (eventually) come to the right realisation, and it helps you protect some semblance of normality and control in your own life.
Somebody supporting another with alcohol, cannabis, and cocaine addictions
Many of us will empathise with your situation and what you’re going through. Bob is right—things can get better, but only if your partner genuinely wants to change. However, I found hope in your words when you mentioned that your boyfriend has started to show signs of wanting to change. If this is true, it could be the seed of hope.
In the meantime, to add to Bob’s response, please make sure to prioritise your own well-being. I often compare it to the safety instructions on a flight when traveling with children. If the oxygen masks drop, you’re advised to secure your own mask first before assisting your child.
When our son was at his worst, my mental health began to decline—it has always been a bit of a weak spot for me. I could feel myself deteriorating, and I knew I had no choice but to take care of myself first. In that instance, I had to distance myself from my son. It was incredibly difficult, but I reminded myself that the person in front of me wasn’t truly my son. He was someone controlled by addiction, and as long as that addiction had a hold on him, the son I knew wasn’t really there.
As he started to seek help, I slowly and cautiously began to lower my defenses and reconnect with him. The more committed he became to his recovery, the more I was able to give back to him. Now, I can give him a great big hug!
It was a rough journey (aren’t they all?), and my approach was simply what I needed to do for my own well-being. My wife, on the other hand, took the opposite approach—she found that staying close to our son was what helped her mental health. Like Bob, she focused on ensuring his safety without enabling his addiction.
What I’m trying to convey is this: please make sure to prioritise your own health and well-being.