Wanted to share a little hope x

I wanted to share a little hope on this app after reading some of the terrible times others are going through - something I know only too well myself 😢 

This is my own personal story - Im not sure why but it feels like writing this helps me reflect and be truly thankful for this year.  This is our fourth year on this rollercoaster🎢 journey.  I know it’s still and always will be a fragile one, but we have to take the good times for what they are.  Our family support worker taught us that.

I hope by sharing this it may bring a little hope to others on here especially at this time of year.

This time last year my son was living in shared accommodation, a step up from the months he had spent living in his car, but grotty & depressing nonetheless.  He was on the very beginning of his recovery journey, and, whilst bridges were slowly being built, it was too soon for the rest of the family to have him home for Christmas.  As his mum, this broke my heart (and when I say this I mean it hurt so much it felt like a physical pain). On the evening of the worst Christmas Day ever I drove over on my own to his accommodation with a plate of Christmas dinner and took him for a drive in search of a cafe still open for a hot chocolate.  We didn’t find one but at least we had managed an hour or two together.

However painful and sad that Christmas was, it was the start of a few months of slow but steady reconnection with the family for him.  I believe the loss of family, warmth, love at Christmas really hit home as what followed was a real desire and effort by him to show us he was in recovery and wanting to make amends.

Trust on my family’s part took time, understandably - several months passed where we built things up - me driving to collect him & bringing him home for a couple of hours at a time, spend time with the family and the dogs.  Then my husband started to take on some of the weekly visits to him, which I had been doing since the autumn.  

Throughout those dark, dark months Id always retained communication with our son.  It felt critical to do so - if I didn’t hear back from him Id enter panic mode, but reassuring texts helped me get through - just knowing he was still alive.  My worry had morphed from old concerns re drug taking, debt, & him being hurt by others into worry about his mental health - driven by his loneliness despite ironically being in shared accommodation (an HMO, with just your own lockable bedroom as personal space & a shared bathroom, is not good for anyones wellbeing).

Over time we agreed he could move back in.  I won’t pretend it was easy for anyone, but for me, his mum, I was just overjoyed to have him home.

Forward wind through the year, and we have had the best year since 2020.  There’s been early on lapses, and a few over-indulged nights with alcohol but overall recovery has been positive.  There’s been a few milestones too - passing of exams, the starting of a family business together - the latter feels the most pivotal as it has given him purpose, too much to be proud of to lose.  And he has gone down the path to getting a diagnosis for suspected ADHD - with his clinical assessment finally coming through - he wants to understand why he is like he is and how his brain works.

I thank my stars every day that he is home, that we got him back. Im not sure I could ever go through all that again - even with the positive outcome it had, I feel that things could have easily tipped the other way and we might have lost him.   It was and is a very fine line.  But back then we were exhausted, broken, helpless - we had thrown everything at trying to help him - love, support, repeatedly paying off debt, paying for professional help, seeking resources online, buying books, attending groups - it got to the point where we couldn’t help.  This is something our son now reassures us about - saying we couldn’t have helped, he had to want help himself.  

In recovery we are getting to see that his empathy has returned, he is very tactile, he is appreciative.  We can only pray 🙏 that this continues.  

I wanted to share to give others a little ray of hope.  I needed positive stories when we were in those darkest times.  Hope this story may just help one family out there. 

Praying for everyone here a peaceful Christmas x

And apologies for the long post.